Depression is really a scary thing.

Trying to survive it takes tones of determination and belief in yourself. I'm not saying that I've totally recovered from it as it is like cancer.

There's no knowing how and when it started, but inside somewhere it just grows and multiply. Sooner or later the pain will let you know it exists and when it's "visible", that's the one chance to find a doctor for it.

The pain is so damn terrible. It's like stuck in a deep and dark forest that no one had ventured. You're constantly fighting the fear of meeting a huge, ugly and viscous monster. While in the midst of scarring and torturing yourself, you're trying to figure out how to remember the routes and yet, there seems to be no way out! Even if you see a glimpse of sunlight somewhere above brimming through the thick thick canopies or thought you saw a dash of shadows as though there's some kind soul staying nearby; but in a blink of an eye, it vanishes yet again.

It crippled my determination, it ate up my happiness and it slowly seeped into my willingness to communicate to anyone. Friends slowly steered themselves off course because I'm no fun to be around. My trust towards every batch of friends slowly diminishes and starting being paranoid of them disliking me or talking behind my back.

When I know I was in such a bad state, I tried going out to lighten my mood, trying to absorb some positivity back. Listening to consultations. Listening to motivative speeches seems too vague. It's like I'm living in a world filled with moving plastic maniqqunes.

Slowly and actively it ate my relations with my boyfriend. I stopped talking about our common topic. I stopped enjoying the common activities we used to love. The distance was so frustrating I constantly thought of giving up fighting. I was so deep in this quick sand that there's no chance of surviving and only whirlpool myself further into my own depression. Somehow I subconsciously tried to sabotage the relationship by venting anger on him. Constantly shouting mean things, poking him at his taboo topics or making him feel lowly of himself just to make me feel better.

I know I'm being mean. I knew I had to stop. I knew I'm just sinking so much deeper and so much faster, but I just couldn't help it.

It's like I'm so so so near the edge of that long awaited cliff, that jumping off is the next best and the easiest thing to do. Instead of going back through that dark dark forest, I could just end it all...

And astonishingly, enlightenment could just light up within split second! When you put that feet out, leaning onto that leg, a bridge appeared. It's like there's a motion sensor somewhere well hidden.

I don't know where this bridge will lead me. I don't know if the bridge is stable. I don't know if I would fall into the rushing waters below me or I will be lost in another dark and scary forest. But at least, I felt the warm and humid breeze blowing. If you close your eyes just this instant, it feels just like being at a resort island, listening to the crushing water against the beach. Wearing a bikini, having a tan and maybe if you wish hard enough, a glass of ice cold martini could just appear. 

At this instant, if the clock would stop and Mr Rabbit could just tell what in the world is going on, it would just be the happiest instant of this adventure.

But then again, I could have eaten a piece of that cake and grown to my original size and wakes up from all of these.

Would the real world be more real than this hyper-reality?